Sianalor is on a journey of self-discovery. They have experienced emotional repression and carry unbearable insecurties. They seek to use this blog to self-medicate, but also hope to use this blog to cultivate and document their creative interests.
Hi! Its me! The day before i begin orientation for graduate school. I'm reading the picture of dorian gray right now at 4:40 am (my sleep schedule is so beyond fucked rn) and i'm feeling a lil inspired to write.
I suppose i just want to write how im feeling cause im feeling a bit down rn. i been studying all day (all day meaning 5pm-11pm) for the past three days and have probably moved a total of 50 steps. thats definitely on me, procrastinating and such (gotta fix that). those 50 steps reflect the summer ive had this year quite well. it feels like this whole summer has been a grand total of 50 boring, forgetful steps. stl is so ass. i miss Chicago so much. i miss my friends in Chicago so much. its funny because when i first got to Chicago i wrote very similarly about how i missed my stl friends and disliked my Chicago friends (sorry yall). i feel like its hard to be the person ive grown into during my time in college around every single person in stl, simply because they weren't there to witness the growth, making my new form quite alien to them. i also feel alien towards myself now that im surrounded by people who only know the Sianalor from 4 years ago. there is not shit to do here, but maybe thats on me. my dumass was saying there wasn't shit to do in Chicago when i first got there, and it took me until my senior year to realize how fun it was. perhaps i can learn from that mistake, which derived from my intolerable fetishization of ignorance, boredom, and loneliness. ion know, i could write more rn but it would be forced and just turn out to be a bigass paragraph of me complaining, and i know well enough that ive complained (internally) enough to last me into my 50s already.
one thing i do want to comment on before i end this entry is about beauty, inspired by the picture of dorian gray which made me want to write this entry in the first place. i do not live with beauty at all. actually thats cap cuz my music be beautiful den a mf :joy:. but frl tho i live blandly, with no passion, with no love for live. and worst of all. i do not live for myself. i live in fear! why oh why must i have been raised so obiediently in the face of fear! i have passions that i am so fervently aware of that i refuse to engage in with beauty simply because fear tells me not to. im about to start my grind in grad school and i want to set a goal for myself. a goal of not. i hope to NOT use grad school as an excuse for not pursuing beauty. this is a fresh start!!! lowkey i can turn up if i come in strong! this is the first time in four years that ive had the ability to be myself freely around people that have no preconceptions of me. i can present myself as the person my soul wants to be me. im going to make a conscious effort to be myself tomorrow. have a fun day at school sweetie!!
P.S. I didn't do laundry so i have no fits for tmrw smh.
P.S.S This is an upload of a journal entry that i typed in my notepad a while ago.
Heyyyy its me again just made this website cause i can. will it last?
just had a dream that mike and jenny got back together and all i thought was "im so cooked". i also dreamed that i was at a bar until like 2am but everybody got kicked out bc the bar owner was worried about the extreme winter temperatures in Chicago (mf still think he in chicago).
favorite album ever: TLOP 4 no doubt
fav artists:
stayne by caspr prod zoot i been listening to this on repeat