Sianalor is on a journey of self-discovery. They have experienced emotional repression and carry unbearable insecurties. They seek to use this blog to self-medicate, but also hope to use this blog to cultivate and document their creative interests.
Hi! Its me! The day before i begin orientation for graduate school. I'm reading the picture of dorian gray right now at 4:40 am (my sleep schedule is so beyond fucked rn) and i'm feeling a lil inspired to write.
I suppose i just want to write how im feeling cause im feeling a bit down rn. i been studying all day (all day meaning 5pm-11pm) for the past three days and have probably moved a total of 50 steps. thats definitely on me, procrastinating and such (gotta fix that). those 50 steps reflect the summer ive had this year quite well. it feels like this whole summer has been a grand total of 50 boring, forgetful steps. stl is so ass. i miss Chicago so much. i miss my friends in Chicago so much. its funny because when i first got to Chicago i wrote very similarly about how i missed my stl friends and disliked my Chicago friends (sorry yall). i feel like its hard to be the person ive grown into during my time in college around every single person in stl, simply because they weren't there to witness the growth, making my new form quite alien to them. i also feel alien towards myself now that im surrounded by people who only know the Sianalor from 4 years ago. there is not shit to do here, but maybe thats on me. my dumass was saying there wasn't shit to do in Chicago when i first got there, and it took me until my senior year to realize how fun it was. perhaps i can learn from that mistake, which derived from my intolerable fetishization of ignorance, boredom, and loneliness. ion know, i could write more rn but it would be forced and just turn out to be a bigass paragraph of me complaining, and i know well enough that ive complained (internally) enough to last me into my 50s already.
one thing i do want to comment on before i end this entry is about beauty, inspired by the picture of dorian gray which made me want to write this entry in the first place. i do not live with beauty at all. actually thats cap cuz my music be beautiful den a mf :joy:. but frl tho i live blandly, with no passion, with no love for live. and worst of all. i do not live for myself. i live in fear! why oh why must i have been raised so obiediently in the face of fear! i have passions that i am so fervently aware of that i refuse to engage in with beauty simply because fear tells me not to. im about to start my grind in grad school and i want to set a goal for myself. a goal of not. i hope to NOT use grad school as an excuse for not pursuing beauty. this is a fresh start!!! lowkey i can turn up if i come in strong! this is the first time in four years that ive had the ability to be myself freely around people that have no preconceptions of me. i can present myself as the person my soul wants to be me. im going to make a conscious effort to be myself tomorrow. have a fun day at school sweetie!!
P.S. I didn't do laundry so i have no fits for tmrw smh.
P.S.S This is an upload of a journal entry that i typed in my notepad a while ago.
Heyyyy its me again just made this website cause i can. will it last?
just had a dream that mike and jenny got back together and all i thought was "im so cooked". i also dreamed that i was at a bar until like 2am but everybody got kicked out bc the bar owner was worried about the extreme winter temperatures in Chicago (mf still think he in chicago).
I am a non-vaper now. I had my last vape hit on 8/12/24 or 8/13/24 and will never injest nicotine in any form. I am not giving up vaping. I am escaping slavery! I'm free lets goooooooooo :) YUHH AYEEE. I feel so fucking excited, my heart almost can't take it (or maybe thats the Big Monster beating my ass). I haven't noticed any large changes yet but the nicotine is still leaving my system. My heart rate has been a bit higher than normal and my chest is filled with that stress feeling. Little and Big Monster are trying their hardest to keep my body as a vessel. But fuck them this is my body, I was born as a non-vaper, lived 19 years as a non-vaper, and now at 22 I am once more a non-vaper. I'm actually so hype. Vaping made me feel so fucking shitty about myself. I would feel like a crackhead everywhere I went. During my Wash U orientation I took like four "bathroom breaks" everyday just to vape. Now that I think about it, vaping has severly contributed to my increased anti-social behavior. I would have conversations with people and start feeling a little stressed cause I'm socially awkward. So I would leave and vape to relieve my stress, just to magically reappear 15 min later. This made it harder to rejoin conversations and made people question where I was, leading to more stress, and more vapes. The biggest illusions that I had while vaping was that 1. Vaping helps me concentrate and 2. Vaping helps to relieve stress. If I had a final exam coming up, I made sure to buy a vape so that I could study for eight hours straight. I kinda always knew that the concentration I gained was caused by keeping nicotine withdrawls away, not because nicotine actually improved concentration. I had an addicition, so I needed to satisfy that addiction as much as possible in order to concentrate. Nicotine is a bitch because those feelings of withdrawls can seep in as early as 10 min after the last hit. So i would just hit it, then hit it, then hit, which ended up hindering my study practices compared to when I was a non-vaper. Good thing I'm a non vaper again! I used to also think vaping helped me with stress. The thing is, vaping made my stress so much worse. Vaping would cause me stress, esp when I didn't hit it for a while, so when I vaped, that stress would go away. I started associating that with normal non-vape stress, and would therefore vape everytime I felt non-vape stress. In reality, I would be relieving my vape-induced stress, thinking that I was relieving my real-life stress. So I became extremely confused about the sources of my stress and how I would cope with them. I've definetly fucked up my lungs and my gums, but I'm exicted to never have to worry about that again now that I'm a non-vaper! Also I'm gonna be saving so much bread. Assume I bought a vape once every 1.5 weeks. This means I was buying ~ 34.6 vapes a year, aka I was spending $800 a year. How entrapped I was! Now that im making tht grad school money + im saving $800 a year, imma celebrate myself by buying something expensive I would genuinly enjoy. maybe some new drip. Cheers to Sianalor. Fucking huge shoutout to Allen Carr, I hope you are dreaming of chocolates, and gardens, and waterfalls, and bad bitches.
first of all y tf did i have a dream tht yishi posted yhapojj on her ig this morning. gotta figure that out SOON. but i wanted to write this entry just to comment on some habits I have to bring them more into consciousness. Whenever I have nothing to do, I just refresh youtube hoping to find a breathtaking video. the usual course of events is that i listen to one song off an album with a beautiful cover, then go back to refreshing. the big picture is, im doing a lot of idling. this is fair, i dont have much to be doing and in about two weeks im going to miss these idle behaviors like never before. but this is dangerous towards the interests i want to get into. as of recent, i have felt a creative spark enlighten within me. im not saying i have incredible ideas, or ideas at all. however, i feel extremely drawn towards music, art, film, literature, etc. and i really, REALLLY want to engage in them. projects like this website, while nothing to be admired yet, have helped me to realize that producing, creating, experiement, and trying new things is incredibly fulfilling. however, these interests take years of grinding to produce interesting and cool content. trying to get good at all of these interests while also pursuing a fucking PhD is a lot of work. so you can see why the constant youtube tab i have open is deterimental to my goals. of course i have to maintain a balance between production and consumption, but right now the see-saw is tilted completely towards consumption. i think to remedy this, i just have to start. lets first list all of the creative endeavors we hope to complete, then we'll pick out one to beging purchasing materials for (were saving $800 from vaping now so we got shhhhmoneyyyyy).
hmmmmmm. decisions, decisions. i think im gonna try to build the website at all times, so ill choose an interest alongside building a website. the last four years i've been producing music so i think it would be interesting and super fun to try out something completely new. so i guess im gonna start filming and making this website cracked! i feel like those pair well together since ill be able to harness visual aesthetic thru different mediums. cool. got it. so the plan is to begin watching videos on how to get into filmography. im ngl tho the piano would be so much rizz. maybe i can make a short film on me learning how to play the piano and then upload that onto the website. so three interests lmao. sorry. i have a tendency to do too much. imma say fuk it lets do too much and start reasearching a good beginner keyboard and camera. LGTW.
I'm feeling a bit stressed right now because im tryna do too much, but im also feeling fantastic at the same time. was surrounded by like 8 vapes yesterday and was even offered to hit them, but i declined cause... you know... im a non-vaper and shit and some chill shit hahahaa >:). i also filmed some footage on campus today w my iphone and honestly some of the shots look pretty cool. not from a filmmaker perspective but from a "damn my iphone ususally looks shit" perspective. i downlaoded the blackmagic camera app and was just tryna get used to all the settings and terminology n shit. pretty exciting its like when i first started using fl. also my brother said i could use his camera since he doesnt use it anymore... ummmm. what the FRICK !!! this is clutch as bitch !.
I'm fucking up bad. Like bad. I missed a recitation section because I slept in. I just skipped my olivette reffing games because I wanted to sleep in. What the fuck? Who do I think I am? Frl tho who the fuck do I think I am. My dad just had surgery and I'm getting unnaturally angry because I have to help him out. What the fuck? Who the hell do I think I am? I'm getting mad because I have to take over some of my mom's duties while she is putting in 15 HOUR SHIFTS. WHO THE FUCK DO I THINK I AM? I leave people on delivered, I think lowly of others, I refuse to help. This social isolation shit isn't cool bro. You are 22 fucking years old. Grow the fuck up. Stop being a baby nigga like actually grow a pair of balls. This shit is not cool, I am extremely dissapointed in myself right now. Be the adult human you are already jesus christ. AND STOP FUCKING LYING ALL THE TIME. While I am extremely dissapointed in myself right now, I am proud of some of the things I've done since the last journal. I've been vape free for 26 days! I've stayed strong even when other people are vaping around me. I've also been learning the piano! I practice at Tietjens Hall on campus whenever I get the chance, which is surprisingly still very often. The first piece I'm learning is Gymnopedia 1 by Erik Satie cuz of its simplicity and beauty, and its been really fun! Here's a clip of my most recent playing (ik the audio is bad i setup the phone in a shitty spot).
9/6/24 - 4th day of playing piano!
favorite album ever: TLOP 4 no doubt
fav artists: